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You Need to Read These Hilarious ‘Geostorm’ Reviews

Geostorm
Warner Bros.

Not only did Warner Bros. not screen Geostorm for critics, they didn’t even screen it for most audiences who wanted to see it on Thursday night, when most major movies now debut. There was only one theater in the New York City area that still managed to show the film, and that was in Bayonne, New Jersey. About 15 people were there for the 9:45 showing (in 3D!), including another film critic and a family of four with two small children. When the movie ended, the kids had to be carried out by their parents because they had fallen asleep.

The rest of us weren’t so lucky. And once the movie opened properly on Friday, neither were the critics. At the moment, Geostorm is not the lowest graded big movie of the weekend; on Rotten Tomatoes, both The Snowman and Tyler Perry’s Boo 2! both have lower averages. But that could be because so few critics were able to see Geostorm until this morning, and those that did are still filing their reviews. So give it time; funny Geostorm reviews could still sneak up on you like a firenado sent from a weather satellite.

In the meantime, here are 10 of our favorite reviews so far. I imagine if anyone else sees this movie, there will be plenty more where these came from:

A.O. Scott, The New York Times:

Geostorm uses digital technology to lay waste to a bunch of cities and hacky screenwriting to assault the dignity of several fine actors.

Christopher Rosen, Entertainment Weekly:

The film’s biggest surprise might be that Alan Smithee isn’t credited as the FX supervisor.

Anna Smith, Time Out:

Max (Sturgess) works at the White House, where his job mostly seems to involve asking what the hell is going on.

Mike D’Angelo, The A.V. Club:

Gives new meaning to the term ‘disaster movie.’

Alissa Wilkinson, Vox:

The level of boredom I experienced during Geostorm ought to qualify as at least a second-degree felony in the state of New York.

David Ehrlich, Indiewire:

The last 20 minutes notwithstanding, this is more of a Geomist than a Geostorm.

Matt Goldberg, Collider:

What could have been a delightfully goofy picture instead comes off as shockingly stale.

Noel Murray, The Los Angeles Times:

Less thrilling than the Weather Channel.

Peter Debruge, Variety:

Plays so fast and loose with physics that James Bond’s Moonraker (or Godzilla, for that matter) suddenly looks plausible by comparison.

Chris Bumbray, JoBlo.com:

It’s horrible – but also amazing.

Gallery – The 25 Best Disaster Movie Posters:

ScreenCrush’s Geostorm Review

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